**Caught with Mayo on His Face: Greggs Thief in Custody!**
Meet Darren Humphreys, the 59-year-old mastermind behind a series of cheeky ‘bake and bolt’ heists from his local Greggs. He thought he had his routine down pat, but what he didn’t count on was his distinct fondness for mayo betraying him!
Humphreys was a familiar face at the Workington Greggs, often seen walking out with baguettes and sausage rolls, without bothering to pay. His escapades were finally brought to a halt when CCTV cameras captured him red-handed, sporting an unforgettable orange mayo moustache — a sure sign of his recent acquisition: a Mexican chicken sandwich.
April and May saw a spree of baguette-stealing events. Each time, Humphreys would casually browse, grab, and vanish. On one occasion, a tussle with a staff member didn’t even deter him, though the baguettes didn’t escape unscathed.
Even a fleet of five Greggs employees and police officers took the stand to testify against him. But Humphreys seemed unfazed, denying every accusation thrown his way. He even had the audacity to claim, “I’ve taken nothing from Greggs,” despite overwhelming evidence.
He also raised eyebrows when PC Katie Twentyman found him comfortably seated on a bench surrounded by Greggs wrappers—only to drop his loot upon spotting her. Was it panic or mere arrogance? We’ll let you decide.
Despite having no legal representation and declining to testify, Humphreys was found guilty of multiple theft counts and one of common assault. Magistrates had no doubts about his guilt, and the court proceedings were certainly a pickle for Humphreys.
With a pending Criminal Behaviour Order, a claim for compensation, and future court sentencing, Humphreys might find himself with limited access to his favourite pasties in Cumbria soon. Meanwhile, he’s been granted bail under the strict condition: keep out of Greggs for good!
A classic tale of crim(e)-buts and pastries—proving sometimes, you just can’t have your cake and eat it without consequences! 🍩🥖